What Do You Want!?

I just finished reading Art Petty’s blog post about the phrase “How Can I Help?” Here’s what Art has to say about it: “These four simple words are powerful leadership tools when framed into a question and applied with genuine intent.” As I read the post, I was reminded that our communication strategies as a parent are the same strategies as a leader in the workplace. It boils down to human behavior.

When my son would say, “mommy, mommy, mommy…” I tended to respond with a snarky “what!”  or “what do you want?!”, like my son’s inquiry was imposing on me. Or, he’d be working on building a tower with his blocks and look perplexed on how to keep the tower from falling over. I’d tell him, “no don’t put that one there or it’s going to fall over, put it here.”

How many times as a leader have you responded to an employee’s inquiry in a similar way? Maybe a sigh, slight roll of the eyes or you begin to take a step away like there’s something more important to get to. Likewise, you notice during a project meeting your direct report seems to be stuck and not know how to resolve a tough issue. Have you jumped in and told your employee what to do just to get it over with?

On a whim, I began to respond to my son’s inquiries or perplexed looks with “how can I help” not so much because I think I’m the world’s best mommy, but because I wanted to change the situation so I tried something different. I noticed  a change in my son’s reaction. He stopped the repetitive, “mommy, mommy, mommy” even after I asked him what he wanted and started formulated really focused thoughts or questions. What’s more is I noticed a change in my tone and perspective….I was really curious about how I could help him.

Mr. Petty says in his post, “it takes self-confidence, a dose of humility and a genuine comprehension of the role of leader to form and apply the question, ‘How can I help?’ This individual understands that telling’ isn’t the only way to lead.”

This is so true in the workplace and in the “familyplace”. There needs to be a balance of confidence and humility to be the leaders our organizations and families want and need. Don’t get me wrong, there is a time and place to tell rather than ask or to step in rather than sit back. My point, as Mr. Petty says in his post, is that asking “how can I help?” demonstrates the leader’s confidence and trust in his team members. Likewise, a parent demonstrates confidence and trust in his children. In turn, all are given an opportunity to learn and acquire new skills.

As a leader, how can you help your team members be more effective. What do you need to change in order to do so?

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Forget About Good (or Bad) Performance – Focus On Results

The other day, during one of my son’s two year old tantrums I told him he was not being a good boy. The next thing he said made my heart hurt and my confidence as a parent sink. He softened his voice and pleadingly says through his tears, “mommy, I be good boy, now.” Wow, that stopped me in my tracks. I realized rather than being curious about the tantrum and what he might be working through, I passed judgment on him. In doing so, he started pleading for my attention. Ouch!

This experience reminded me of discussions that often come up during my coaching sessions. At some point, the conversation turns to a discussion about “good” and “bad” performance for that particular individual. The phrase “that wasn’t good” comes up a lot. I noticed during those conversations that so much time and energy was spent thinking about why a particular outcome “wasn’t good” that little energy was spent doing something to change it. They get stuck on performing badly.

I encourage folks to look at their performance in terms of results sans judgment. That is, did they get the results they wanted? Did that interaction with your difficult employee work or not work? By looking at results we take away the shame, blame or disappointment one may feel when they didn’t do a good job. It takes away the need to rationalize one’s performance and opens the door to look at how to get the desired results.

When we notice that our performance simply didn’t work we are able to forget about the judgment and reexamine desired results. It gives us an opportunity to get really clear on what we want.

What I wanted from my example above was for my son to work through his emotions (what I called a tantrum) and feel safe enough with me to do so. Instead, the result was a little boy who was worried about pleasing his mother. I will never again tell my boy that he isn’t being good. I will honor his emotions and be with him to help him work through those two year old emotions – even if it is right in the middle of a crowded grocery store.

When my performance as a parent isn’t perfect, I used to call it a “bad mommy moment.” Now I call it a “mommy moment”, one that simply didn’t work.

What have you done lately in your work-life or parenting journey that didn’t work?

What was the result you wanted?

What result did you get?

Do you need to get clear on the results you really want?

Image: freedigitalphotos.net