One of the worst parts of anyone’s day is to have a conversation with a difficult person. The conversation itself may or may not be difficult. Frankly, you may not like the person you need to speak with making the interaction and subsequent conversation difficult. These three tips will assist you with moving gracefully through your difficult conversations.
1. Decode a Previous Conversation
Before the next conversation with your difficult person decode a previous message. Doing so will help you identify your own reactions (i.e., your feelings) to the other person.
Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the right side of the page, write down a previous conversation with your difficult person. Record verbatim as much as possible. For example you would write something like, SURESH (the difficult person): Bob, do you have the issues report for XYZ project? ME (Bob): I said I wasn’t going to get that to you until the end of the day. And so on. On the left side of the column write down what you were thinking to yourself each time Suresh said something. For example, when Suresh asked for the report let’s say you were actually thinking, “Get off my back micro-manager”.
After you’ve completed both sides of the paper (what was said and what you were thinking), review the “what you were thinking” side. You may notice you had negative thoughts throughout the conversation. While you may think you disguised your thoughts adequately with you words, your body language was probably telling another story. Undoubtedly, your difficult person picked up on this incongruence to which he reacts by displaying defensive body language or a more condescending tone. This vicious cycle goes on until the conversation ends – for better or worse.
Coaching Challenge: Just before the next conversation with your difficult person, think of him as a friend, trusted advisor, outstanding husband and father (if those roles apply). Even though this may make you cringe, just give it a try. Do so during the conversation too. Notice what your body does during the conversation. Notice the difference in the conversation itself.
2. Understand Intent versus Impact
A mistake often made during difficult conversations is assuming intent – especially negative intent. In the example above, when Suresh asks Bob for the issues report, Bob is probably assuming some ill intent on behalf of Suresh, like making Bob look incompetent. However, what if Suresh was simply asking with the intent of offering help knowing that Bob is a top performer and has taken on a heavy workload?
Assuming intention has more to do with the impact a statement or question has on us than the real intentions of the other person. We often assume the worst especially when interacting with a difficult person.
Coaching Challenge: During your next difficult conversation, be present with what is being said, be aware of it’s impact on you and Assume Innocence. Assume the other person’s intentions are good and for your well-being.
3. Get Crazy Curious
Decoding a previous conversation and understanding intent versus impact assists you with identifying the sticking points in a conversation. Crazy Curiosity helps you gracefully move through a difficult conversation. When you are curious, you are inquisitive, wanting to know and learn. There is no space in your thought process for certainty or “knowing it all” when you are curious. When you come from a position of certainty, as in you are certain Suresh’s question about the issues report is about making you look incompetent, the conversation is stuck. There is no good outcome from that perspective.
However, if you get curious about Suresh’s inquiry first by kindly letting him know of the previous agreed upon deadline (end of day). Second, ask Suresh if there is a need to have the report sooner, or is there other information he may need. You may discover that Suresh was asking about the report out of his own curiosity. He had some “down time” and was going around to his employees asking how he can be of assistance to them because Suresh doesn’t like sitting idle while his employees are swamped. When you get curious you dive into other people’s perspectives and where they are coming from.
Coaching Challenge: During your next difficult conversation, ask the other person what they need or how you can assist them. Be crazy curious about how you really can help the other person. You’ll start to notice a difference in the other person’s reaction to you. It may take a few times especially if there is a long history of conflict.
What do you need to change to gracefully move through a difficult conversation or an interaction with a difficult person?
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Reference: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton & Sheila Heen
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